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IMDB rating: 6.10 Plot: Jackie Dorsey is the daughter of 1992 Winter Olympics Gold medalists Kate Moseley and Doug Doursey. She grows up with ambitions of winning her own Olympic gold but that ambition seems to come to an end when she has a career threatening injury. Enter Alex Harrison as her new pairs skate partner and a new chance at Olympic Gold. But can they set aside their stubbornness long enough to actually win the game? |
Actors: Thomas Ross,Baker Scott Thompson,Aude Erik,Gallant Matt,Dugan Tom,Haley Jack,Drama,Romance,
What do you think of my story so far?
This is only a small part.
In the year 1450, Hollowdale, England lived a girl Named Destiny Melrose. "Destiny!" Her father called up the stairs and she ran down as fast as she could, her waist length, wavy, golden blonde hair flowing behind her. "Yes, fath-" Destiny was cut short when she saw her stepmother talking with her father. "Oh, Michael is that for me?" Destiny’s stepmother asked with a squeak trying to take a small chest from him. "Um, Esther. Don’t you remember? Today is Destiny’s sixteenth birthday." Destiny’s father said holding the chest in the air out of her reach
"Oh, yes, how could i forget? Considering she’s so … special. The little brat." Esther muttered said gritting her teeth and gripping a piece of parchment.
"Excuse me?" Michael asked looking offended at what he thought he just heard.
"Nothing, dear, nothing at all." Esther walked away muttering something about being neglected
"Destiny! come in, come in." Michael gestured to her and she walked in. "It’s not much but it was the best dress i could afford." He said and handed her the chest. She stared at the oak box with golden trimming and rose carvings with her name painted in gold on the top. "Go ahead, open it." Michael told her and she did so, seeing sky blue fabric. "Um, fabric?" Destiny asked wondering why she received fabric for her birthday. Michael laughed. "Just pull it out." Destiny gently grabbed and pulled the fabric out and a long sky blue dress glided to the floor. Destiny gasped at it’s beauty. "Father, i … Thank you! So, much!" Destiny hugged her father tightly then quickly ran back up the stairs. "I’m going to go try it on right now!" Michael smiled up the stairs reminded of his late wife’s enthusiastic personality. Destiny came back down three minutes later in the dress. "How do i look?" She asked twirling. "You look beautiful. Just like your muther." Destiny frowned at this subject. "You still haven’t told me … What happened to her?" Michael walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table, Destiny did the same. "Destiny, your muther … She died not long after you were born. She whispered the name Destiny and that is what i named you. You look so much like her. Her blonde hair, her ocean eyes, Your muther was so enthusiastic, so full of … life." Destiny smiled at her father’s explanation. "I want to give you something. It belonged to you muther." Michael reached into the inner pocket of his jacket. "It’s not real gold but your mother seemed to love it." He pulled out a necklace with a rose etched into the metal. "Instead of a ring i gave this to her the day we got married. And now it’s yours." Michael walked behind Destiny and pulled the necklace around her neck. "There, you look beautiful." Destiny traced the edges of the necklace feeling indentations of writing on the back. "What does it say on the back?" Michael smiled.
"together Forever and always." Michael recited. He stood up and walked away without another word.
Oh, no the dad doesn’t die. I already if i went that far it would be exactly like Cinderella.
It’s okay. Grammar is pretty bad ("’together Forever and always.’ Michael recited." should be "’Together, forever and always,’ Michael recited."), spelling is fine. Make more paragraphs in the middle–I didn’t even bother to finish reading it because of the bad spacing… but also it just didn’t grab my attention. Avoid introducing characters like "Her name was Sarah Brown. She had black hair and brown eyes. She was 14. Blah blah." Intro your characters more subtly, like having someone call their name, describing their looks later on, etc.
In conclusion–it’s boring and has bad grammar. Amateur writing style. But please do not take my harsh criticism as a sign to stop writing. You CAN improve and you WILL improve if you keep practicing.
Happy writing.
A Nonny Mouse | Dec 18, 2009
if the father dies at the end.. and the step mom is evil… stop! we don’t need another cinderella type book
Kimberly | Dec 18, 2009
Email me!!!
Genna J. | Dec 18, 2009
) Go with the shotgun and include Martyr. 
After all, half the time you’re dead before you can move from your spawn point…might as well get a few free kills! (It’s the only time I use martyr.)